Thursday, March 14, 2013

The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)

So a couple of weeks ago I tried to flog this blog on the Facebook (which resulted in literally a couple of views, sweet) and asked my fake Internet friends to suggest any disturbing or revolting or just plain wrong movies to me. My sweet cousin was inspired to google and suggested The Human Centipede. Now, my cousin is not the kind of person who will have seen virtually any of the movies I've written about lately. Not that she wouldn't, I guess - she's not a lame or anything - she's just super nice and not into gross shit for the sake of being gross. Anyway, it proved to me that when a non-horror fan thinks of "nastiest movie ever", the one that's about peoples' butts stitched to other peoples' mouths comes up a lot.

Unfortunately, The Human Centipede sucked. My brother and I watched it and I'm grateful we did only because I don't hang out with him enough. That movie was lame as hell. Sure, it was a hilariously disgusting idea, and Dieter Laser was ridiculous and therefore somewhat endearing, but it was a failure. The acting was contemptible, the plot was asinine (sorry), and perhaps worst of all, it seemed to take itself seriously. There was precious little disgust to be found in such a wellspring of potential filth.

I have to assume that word got back to writer/director Tom Six that my brother and I thought his movie was crap some folks were disappointed with his movie after so much advance hype, because the sequel is completely fucking insane. I'm not sure if he was making a statement that he hates the critics who decried the state of modern cinema due to his movie, that he hates the fanboys who loved his movie, or that he hates people who complained that his movie was lame. He definitely hates something or someone bad, though, because this is one ugly and offensive movie indeed.

Martin is a short, bug-eyed, impressively bellied weirdo. He spends his shifts at a parking garage watching The Human Centipede over and over, while composing pages for his scrapbook all about his favorite movie. He carries out his plan to make a full centipede, including 12 people. Unfortunately for everyone involved, he's not a doctor or even a person with a triple digit IQ, so things go a little off the rails. He's psychically smashed to bits as a result of a father who molested him and a mother and psychiatrist who are almost as bad. Neighbors and other people he interacts with treat him with disdain and revulsion. He's a mess. It's the perfect character for this movie - he's the troll people imagine fans of movies like this to be.

If you plan on seeing this, skip this paragraph. The disgusting quotient of this movie is practically off the charts. Martin masturbates with sandpaper for lube. 10 people are stapled ass-to-mouth and injected with laxative. I'm sure you can guess why. Peoples' tendons are cut and teeth are smashed out of their mouths. There's even a scene where a newborn baby is smashed between a gas pedal and the floor of the car being driven away by the woman who just gave birth. It's so over the top that it's either one of the most offensive movies ever, a hilarious absurdist comedy, the nadir of horror cinema, or a touch of all three.

A couple of things work here that are hard to pull off. This movie is in black and white, and it really adds something. It looks great, and effectively creates a sick and deadening mood that fits well. Other movies have tried this (hello, The Bunny Game) and failed miserably, but not this one. Also, Martin never speaks a word. He howls and gibbers and coos and screams, but doesn't talk. I'm not saying there was great acting going on throughout - but it fit the character just fine.

I don't think I'll be watching this one again anytime soon, but I'm surprised at how much I didn't hate this movie. It was way better than the first one.

Tomorrow:Sweet Movie

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