Saturday, March 16, 2013


Dude, I just got completely trolled by Nick Palumbo.

I don't rightly know how the hell this complete joke of a movie ended up on so many lists of Most Disturbing Movies Ever. It's my own fault for reading as few reviews of movies as I do. I don't want things to be spoiled, so I usually leave the reading for after I see the film. This time my plan backfired. All I can do is implore you to skip the shit out of this. It sucks harder than a strawberry on the first of the month. In the words of the late great George Carlin, it stinks like an anchovy's cunt.

So. There's a "photographer" in Las Vegas. I use quotes because he doesn't seem to know how to use a camera and I don't know how he might get paid from his work considering he kills every woman he takes pictures of and doesn't appear to have a side job. He's a descendant of a Nazi and proud of it, and often lapses into German that sounds like Arnold Schwarzenegger taking a dump. Also, he's completely irresistible to women, especially women with weird-looking fake breasts. So he pantomimes having sex with them and kills them. Also, he has nightmares about actual footage of the WTC attacks on 9/11. Why? Who knows.

The credits at the end say copyright 2008, but it looks and feels older. The music is unintentionally hilarious. Imagine wanting to play flaccid poseur nu-metal like Korn and Mudvayne in your shitty movie but not having the licensing budget and you'll know what you're in for. It's the audio equivalent of a scary clown wearing Zubaz pants dry-humping your ears. Director Palumbo also takes full advantage of filming in Las Vegas, with funny results. Watch The Photographer amble past Mermaids and pass up the 99 cent chocolate dipped bananas en route to finding his next victim. Thrill as he drives past Circus Circus, Barbary Coast and Monte Carlo in his muscle car in order to pad the running time.

But what about the shock factor? It's nonexistent considering the laughable ineptitude on display here. The acting is so atrocious that I would be shocked if they ever had a second take of any scene. Seeing strippers and porn stars disrobe is boring as shit. Yeah, titties, okay, but that only goes so far. The makeup effects could be worse, but it's mainly dumping gallons of Karo and red dye on screaming women. HG Lewis was doing that (and much better to boot) decades ago. Also, the incessant Nazi bullshit is dopey. It's not shocking and makes no sense anyway. Grooving on Nazis and having childhood flashbacks and dreaming about 9/11 doesn't flesh out a character. Killing a little kid and almost killing a baby and killing a series of bare chested female automatons is more boring than anything else when the acting sucks so thoroughly.

Tony Todd and Gunnar Hansen show up to get paid, but their scenes are similarly useless. I hope they got a big chunk of the supposed $2 million it cost for Palumbo to squeeze this flick out of his rotting colon. It's also funny as hell to see the directors he name-checks during the closing credits. Dream on, buttwipe. Uwe Boll could probably do better than this. I guess we'll find out.

Tomorrow: Seed

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