Friday, March 15, 2013

Sweet Movie

I'm sure I'll be a little off with the exact timing of things in this review, but oh well. Please allow me to share with you my impressions of the film Sweet Movie.

First quarter hour: Well, this is certainly zany. Garish 1974 styled beauty pageant-ish competition for rich American tycoon to pick a wife. There's a gynecologist on stage who confirms the sanctity of each entrant's hymen, even. And dude looks like my brother-in-law. Huh. Hey, it's Dean Wormer! And he has, uh, a gold spray painted dick. And now he's pissing. How about that.

Meanwhile, there's a lady on a boat with Karl Marx's face on the front, sailing around. Some dude keeps trying to get on the boat. Hey, he's got his wang out and is taking a piss too. Whoops, got some on his coat. Now he's on the boat banging the lady while spectators kibitz from the sides of the canal. Weird.

About 45 minutes in - [after many more cray things happen including the tycoon's wife being wooed by a bodybuilder with an especially floppy wiener, then stuffed into a suitcase and sent to France. There she falls for a lip-syncing faux-Mexicano dude and ends up humping him in public, which leads to their genitals getting locked to one another and them being separated in the kitchen of a busy restaurant] we now have an interlude of footage of many corpses, many of which appear to have been buried alive. What the fuck? This is incongruous even for this bizarro flick and is gross as hell.

Just over an hour in - now the lady on the boat is in a room with a bed filled with sugar. There are cubbies on each wall completely filled with various types of candy. And there are 3 or 4 boys, none older than 10 or 11.  Surely they're not going to do what it looks like they're going to do. Shit, they're going there. If my wife walks in to see me watching this shit I'm never going to hear the end of it. It's like the boy equivalent of Brooke Shields' turn in Pretty Baby. Fucking foul.

1 hour 15 minutes in [about 20 minutes to go] - now there's this troupe of annoying actor/singer types. Reminds me of the drama and stage crew kids back in high school. They're having a big feast and are throwing the food around. Now they're spitting it in each others' faces and eating it out of each others' mouths. Disgusting. A couple of the dudes are making themselves puke on the table. Great. I wish I hadn't decided to eat while watching this. And now, of course, one dude has whipped out his babymaker and is spraying urine on the table...while the other dude drinks it. I'm sure there's a point to this, but sadly I can't tell you what it might be. But wait! It's not over. Now there are 3 guys all squatting over plates grunting and eventually shitting on them. And dancing around with plates full of feces.

1 hour 32 minutes - another clip of Nazi atrocities involving mangled and bullet-riddled corpses. It's more disturbing because it looks completely real. I guess just one clip of that shit wasn't enough.

1 hour 38 minutes - it's finally over.

The fuck did I just watch?

Tomorrow: Murder-Set-Pieces

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