Wednesday, March 20, 2013


Have you ever seen Last House on the Left? It's a repellent, agonizing, exploitative classic. Well, the people who made this movie wanted to remake that movie. They even hired David Hess to star in it. I'd like to think that Mr. Hess backed out, leaving them to blast this celluloid diarrhea onto an unsuspecting world.

If you've seen LHotL then you know exactly what to expect here. Two young women go out to party in the woods near Dogdick, CA. They forget their cell phones in their car. They meet Sylvester Stallone's kid, who cajoles them to come back to his pad and meet his awesome rocker buddies to get some free Ecstasy. They end up being raped, tortured, abused, and murdered. Then, the bad guys end up at one of the girls' homes, seeking assistance and shelter...quelle coincidence huh?

One thing that Chaos does way better than the movie it shamelessly apes is feature godawful, pathetic acting. I will say that the two victims scream well, and I mean that sincerely. It almost makes the movie effective for a couple of seconds at a time. However, everything else they do is wooden, boring, and lifeless. The villains are comically lame, too. The bad woman has literally the worst fake tattoos I've seen outside of the henna stand at Belmont Park. Sage Stallone (although to be fair, he was apparently acting in this against his will as he was under contract and wanted to leave when Hess did) is just sad. Anyone who made it possible for Fulci to be distributed to theaters nationwide deserved better than the shit he's put through in this. Probably the best actor in this movie is the woman who played Don Draper's maid as one of the victims' mothers.

Considering the movie is named after him, Chaos is a complete turd burglar. He sounds like he's reading a catalog. He's a Totally Extreme Badass Psycho Motherfucker for sure. Watch him mug it up like it's the only thing keeping him alive. Thrill to hear him recite the most banal and obvious dialogue imaginable - just how many ways can one man call another one a faggot? You'll feel like you're in middle school again! Imagine the scarcity of the budget or the complete lack of fucks the filmmakers gave that makes him repeat lines because a second take wasn't in the cards.

The very fact that this piece of shit is supposed to be a cautionary tale instead of the epitome of soulless cannibalization of a superior film is so depressing it's almost funny. The racial commentary is moronic. The ending is ridiculous. Of course, Chaos is the last man standing, because he's just a force of nature that can't be understood, placated, or stopped. Or something.

If you watch this, it's your own fault. Sure, there is base cruelty and rank misogyny to spare. Any movie that features a woman's nipple being cut off and then fed to her, or another woman's perineum slashed in order to "make two little holes one big one" is certainly trying as hard as it can to shock and disgust you. All it proves in this case, though, is that without characters or people who can act, write, or direct, it's all for naught. This movie is a complete failure.

Tomorrow: Bad Boy Bubby

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